Distracted and concerned

I'm more concerned than ever about work. I don't know if this is just paranoia, but this week I just can't help but feel that my boss isn't happy with me... And who could blame him, really? I've been distracted, uninspired and unmotivated -- sailing through work more than working. I mean, I AM getting things done, but I'm not thinking clearly, I keep forgetting stuff... I'm too distracted.

Today the grief counsellor said this is a 'normal' reaction to my uncle's untimely death and to my specific situation, being so far away and unable to grieve in a 'normal' way. There's also my concern about my mum's grief and, more importantly, about my grandma finding out about my uncle's death. You see, she's 92 and has already had a stroke. News of the death of her favourite child would kill her or worse. So, my mum and my other uncles are shielding her, telling white lies to keep the truth from her.

I'm going on with my life, really. I'm doing ok... But the being distracted and unmotivated... I just can't help that! I'm trying! Hell, I'm seeing a counsellor for the first time since one was forced on me in highschool!

It's only been ten days since my uncle died... I think it's unrealistic to expect that I'd be 'snapping out of it' by now. I'll deal, get resigned eventually... But it will take time.

I just wish I had paid more attention to him on my September visit to 'the old country'. I wish I had said more, saved more memories of him. But somehow I just took for granted that he'd be there for my next visit.

I never expected this.

How could I have?

He wasn't even 70 yet.