Important situations and deep thoughts...

Well, it's been a long two-week silence on this forum. First, the inevitable prelude of crazyness that seems to accompany any plan to leave work/regular life stuff for a while... Then, well... the vacation itself... Then, the hardest part: coming back.

All, that, and not a word of all the other family crap that has been going on since the weekend of my last posting...

Where to begin?

The important stuff first, I guess:

In the same week (the same four or five days, actually) that I was gearing up for my getaway, my mum wrote me to let me know of two not-so-pleasant news about two of my uncles:

Situation #1: My oldest uncle, Adan, is a lawyer in Tijuana and the only economic support for my Gran aside from my mum and dad (who are not doing particularly well in the monetary front right now, either...). Just recently my mum told me she feels he is the only of her brothers (she's got 3) who she feels she can really count on... and then.... bam, he has a physical and it turns out he needs to get a pacemaker... Not the end of the world, of course, but I don't believe he had insurance and... well... the tension of the surgery and whatnot was not necessarily welcome news for my mum. As it turns out in the end, the surgery was a great success and my uncle was released from the hospital within two or three days... But as he waited for his surgery -- four days before it took place, in fact...

Situation #2: My favourite uncle, Mario (youngest of all siblings, my mum excepted) had a stroke. It affected his communication centres, so he cannot talk or write... And he's the one who used to be in radio, and communications and... He used to be optimistic to a fault and witty and funny and... Now he cannot even talk! My mum tries to be strong, but she's desolate. She's certainly relieved that my uncle Adan is fine now, but my uncle Mario's situation is just... not good. He has not improved AT ALL since the stroke, even though he was released from the hospital within less than a week. My mum is convinced the only way he'll recover is through therapy -- therapy he can't afford... Not he, himself, nor my cousin, nor his non-wife (don't really know what to call her, she's a sweety, but over the years no one's ever really known if she's only been his best friend, or if they're an actual couple). And certainly my folks are not in the financial position to help, either, although my mum wants to sell some of her fine jewellery to help some. I find that depressing. Hell, I find the whole thing depressing and unfair! My uncle Mario is a total sweetheart and I just hate to imagine him like he is right now, unable to speak or communicate in any intelligible way.

I feel so impotent.

In the meantime, my close friend Lorraine is going through some major financial crap, has the Landlord from Hell, can't find a job although she now has a Master's under her belt... And is consequently extremely depressed. I wish I could help her, but I can't.

And I?

I'm barely back from vacation and I'm trembling from lack of job security and, at the same time, I can't help but be a spoiled brat and be resentful and bitter at having to have this job in the first place, as it brings me little or no satisfaction whatsoever. Then I think of the situation at home, or even Lorraine's, and I have to stop and force myself to be thankful...

I just can't help but feel that my whole life is far, far away from where I dreamed it would be by the time I turned 30. And now I'm just two-and-a-half months short of that and... where am I? Still desperately clinging to a gone-by childhood, living in a basement suite fit for a student, and avoiding any kind commitment as much as I can... which includes my hatred of being in debt... Hey, every grown up has some kind of debt, right? Student loans, mortgage payments, car payments, all of the above and then some... And I have car payments now for the first time ever and that makes me so freaking uncomfortable that, if I could, I'd pay the damn thing of tomorrow. But I can't.

As for 'career', I have none. I have a job. And a lot of dreams I don't even seem to have the strength to pursue right now (my job sucks out too much energy)... My creativity is stifled. I feel trapped. And I HATE IT.

I wish I could just make everything right with the power of my mind: my uncles would be healthy, my dad would have tons of work to keep him happy and busy and at ease financially, my friends would all be happy and satisfied and so would I. I can dream up my perfect life, but when confronted with reality, everything crumbles. I crumble.

If I -- if WE -- cannot have what we wish for when what we wish for is not for the harm of anyone else, what is the point?

What's the point of living, of carrying on, if all you see and feel is struggle after struggle after struggle? And we have it 'easy' where we live. What about all the people dying every day in every corner of the world? Dying because of religious intolerance, or greed... Or disease... Or simply because they don't have anything to eat? Why do they continue to struggle? What's the point of humanity?

When I die I want to come back as a tree in a very remote area. Or a wolf, in an equally faraway place.

Who said the higher beings are humans? I think we got it all wrong. I think WE are the basest of the base. Even spiders are better than us (and god knows I HATE the little buggers). They don't kill each other for the sake of killing each other; they don't kill the planet, or poison the water or figure out new ways of hurting each other just because they want to be bigger and better and own more.

Maybe if I'm good enough in this lifetime I will in fact ascend and come back as a dolphin or a wolf... and be free...