The Unfathomable Lives of Clueless and Diva

Scene II

Lights up on Miss Pheat as she runs and skips around excitedly. She keeps just to her usual side of the stage. Diva sits on the edge of the stage, looking at her alter ego, nonplused.

Miss Pheat: He loves me! He loves me! He loves me!

Diva: Well, of course he does, you ninny. That's never been the point. Never been in question. The point is… It's a question of… of… being considerate and selfless and…

As Diva speaks, Miss Pheat progressively slows down , until she collapses right in front of her.

Miss Pheat: Putting us ahead of everything and everyone else?

Diva: Don't be ridiculous.

Blackout

Scene III

Lights up on Clueless. He's in his garden, trimming his hedges and talking over the fence with an invisible, but ever present Mr. Pitterpatter.

Clueless: So the secret is in the angle of the shears, you say? (Pause, he makes a clean cut of a difficult branch, stares at it in wonder) Will you look at that! Thanks for that! (Pause) Whassat? Tonight? Sure, Diva and I will be delighted! (Pause) No, no. I’m sure she'll be fine with it. She's cool. Just one of the many reasons why I love her so very much!

Blackout

Scene IV

Lights up on Diva's bedroom (only one half of the stage. The rest is still dark). She's wearing a nice flirty dress and is busy doing her hair in the mirror. Miss Pheat lies on her stomach, on the bed, absent-mindedly flipping pages from a magazine.

Miss Pheat: So, no confirmed plans?

Diva: Well, no. But it's kind of a given. Tradition, if you will. Saturday nights are ours, unless we plan in advance for something else.

Miss Pheat: Right. Because he loves me. You. Us.

Diva: Right.

Miss Pheat: But we never confirmed the plan for tonight.

Diva: He would've told me if there was something else going on. He would have given me a heads up.

Miss Pheat: Because you should be his priority.

Diva: Well… Not more than reasonably expected. But, I mean… He loves me…

Miss Pheat: So he's got to be considerate.

Diva: And thoughtful

Miss Pheat: And thoughtful.

Lights up on the other half of the stage. Clueless is at home, dialing a number on the phone. On the other side, Diva's phone starts to ring. Diva answers; Miss Pheat abandons her magazine and hangs from Diva's every word, reacting to each bit of dialogue with exagerated emotion (i.e. enthusiasm, sadness, anger, etc…, depending on what is being said). Unless otherwise specified, Clueless can't hear anything Miss Pheat says.

Diva: Hello?

Clueless: Hello, my love. Are you ready?

Diva: Getting there

Clueless: Cool. By the way, we're going to a party.

Diva: Oh?

Clueless: Yeah, isn't that great? Mr. and Mrs Pitterpatter are having a dinner party with all their friends and they've invited us! Should be loads of fun!

Diva: Tonight?

Clueless: Yes, of course.

Long pause. Diva sits down heavily on her bed. A suddenly morose Miss Pheat lies her head on Diva's lap and starts to quietly sob.

Clueless: Diva?

Diva: I'm here.

Clueless: Everything ok?

Diva: Y-yeah… I just wasn't prepared for… I thought we were going to… I was kind of mentally prepared to have a quiet one… Just you and me, some wine, maybe a video…

Clueless: Oh.

Pause.

Clueless: I know it's kind of impromptu and whatnot, but… I just thought we'd have a blast!

Miss Pheat: No. You thought you'd have a blast.

Diva: Right.

Clueless: Not that we don't have a blast together, just you and I! The invite just came and I accepted in a whim. I mean, I know you like Mr. and Mrs. Pitterpatter…

Diva: I do.

Miss Pheat: Actually, I do.Just don't want to share my date with them, is all.

Diva: That's fine.

Miss Pheat: No, it isn't.

Diva: No, wait. It really isn't.

Clueless: Huh?

Diva: Well, it is. I just wish you'd given me some advance notice, instead of changing our plans just like that.

Clueless: I didn't think it'd be such a big deal!

Diva: It isn't. Listen, if you'd rather go to this thing, that's fine.

Miss Pheat: It really isn't.

Diva: We can get together any other time, I s'pose.

Clueless (disappointed, surprised): You're not coming?

Diva: Well, no. I really don't feel like hanging out with a lot of people…

Miss Pheat: ..that I don't really know that well...

Diva: …tonight.

Clueless: But I thought you'd be pleased…

Miss Pheat: No, you didn't.

Diva: Well, you know me. I can play the social part and all, but I need to psyche myself up for it sometimes…

Clueless: I guess I'm more of an impromptu party-er…

Diva: So, if it's all the same to you, I think I'd rather stay home tonight.

Miss Pheat: In fact, I'd rather you hadn't done this in the first place, or that you at least had had enough consideration to give me less than a 30-minute notice.

Clueless: It'd be awfully great to have you there. But I understand.

Miss Pheat: You understand. But you'll never choose me instead.

Diva: Whatever.

Clueless: You're not mad at me, are you?

Diva: No, no.

Miss Pheat: Just disappointed. And a little hurt. And, yeah, fine: a bit angry, too. But that's the least of the three emotions, so you're off the hook.

Diva: Have fun.

Clueless: You sure you're ok with this?

Diva: I'm perfectly capable of keeping myself entertained.

Clueless: I love you.

Miss Pheat: Not really, no. You don't.

Diva: I know you do.

Clueless: Talk later?

Diva: Sure.

Clueless: Bye.

Diva: Bye.

Clueless hangs up and goes about his business; Diva hangs up and remains sitting on her bed. Miss Pheats sobs loudly on her lap.

Diva: You're being silly.

Miss Pheat: He doesn't want to see me!

Diva: Stop it.

Miss Pheat: If he wanted to see me, he'd see me.

Diva: He just knows he can see me whenever.

Miss Pheat: And that's a good thing???

Diva: No. It isn't.

Blackout

Stay tuned for Scene V -- another gripping moment in the life of an emotional misfit and those who love her.