I'm so sad I can barely stand it

Not much more to say, really. It's beyond my grief for my uncle's passing; beyond my frustration with a job that I increasingly hate and resent its very insinuation at stealing even a moment of my life outside of it; beyond the fact that I no longer know who I can count on or not. Or if there's a future where someone can only see the present....

I get hungry but I don't feel like eating; I eat anyway, though I find it frankly pointless... I cry everyday, need to force myself out of bed, out the door -- even to go to dance class, let alone work. I hate myself for what my life has become, for having to prostitute my mind working for people that disgust me. I disgust myself, yet I feel trapped.

Worst of all: I think it's finally happened: I'm scaring him off.

I can't stand feeling this way.

I've even gone to the doctor and just last night started my first dose of SAMe -- a natural anti-depressant thingmagig, recommended by my doctor. I know it's not magic, but I just want it to work. Now. I want to stop feeling this way.

I don't know how much longer I can take this.