On another note...

SAMe continues to work -- slowly, but surely. For a moment a couple of days ago it seemed I had kind of plateau-ed in my path to recovery, but I am starting to feel the positive effects of the aminoacid compound (I think that's what SAMe is) again. I wish it didn't have to take so long. I'm still not 100% by far, but I am still improving gradually. Things seem a bit clearer, a bit less dreary (yes, despite the infinite boredom that work is)... I feel less like the the greatest phony ever when I act happy/playful.

I'm still worried about a lot of things, especially the situation at home, what with my uncle's death (for which I'm still grieving), and my family's kind lie to my grandma (i.e. hiding my uncle's untimely demise from her)... It's all just so much stress and grief for my mum. She's tough and she's got my dad to see her through it all, but I'm still concerned.

And then, naturally, there's my grandma herself and the irreversible deterioration of her sight and hearing, of her cognitive faculties, her memory, her sense of time and reality.... It's all very sad. I'm glad I went to Mexico when I did -- at least I had a chance to see her and tell her how much I loved her (wish I had done the same with my uncle, but I never thought I would never have the chance to do it again -- not with him). And at least she was lucid enough to know me for who I was 98% of the time.

When I came home after that, I was sad because I thought that even if I got to see her again, she would most likely not be her anymore... Now, I after reading my mum's updates on her situation, on how much she misses my uncle (who she thinks is away working in Tijuana) and how that's furthering the deterioration of her mind... well, I'm starting to really-really believe I'll never get to see her again. And it breaks my heart because I love her so and she was always so wonderful to me, but she is 92 and has been on 'borrowed time' for over a decade now. And I did have the chance to say good-bye.

As of yesterday, I'm pretty much waiting to hear the news from mum, telling me my grandma is finally resting. It could happen tomorrow, this summer... Or next year. Or I might go first... Who knows? I just know that as of yesterday, I just feel like it's getting closer... How much longer can she survive without uncle Mario? Most importantly, how much longer can my family shield her from his death?

So, yeah. I'm concerned and sad with just cause.

And, yet, as far as the Big Bad, the actual depression, I definitely feel better.