The Saddest Thing in the World

Widowhood.

Maybe it's the romantic in me, but I can hardly think of anything more heartbreaking that losing your life's partner. Especially if you're not elderly yet. I mean, you choose this person, one single person in all the world to grow old with and then, one day, you find out they have a fatal illness. Or they die in a freak accident. Or whatever. The point is, you're never going to wake up by their side ever again. And, if you have kids, well, you're left with the grief of your loss, plus your kids' grief, plus the grief of having to bring up the young ones on your own.

My hero, my number one role model is a woman whom I've worked for in the past and whose first name is Jean. She is everything I want to be 'when I grow up' -- strong, capable, motivated, extremely smart and articulate, compassionate, but not sentimental, and possessed of a very clear, very strong sense of what's right and wrong.

A few months ago I found out that her husband, a total sweetheart of a man, had just been diagnosed with a fulminating cancer of the esophagus. The prognosis was awful from day one -- the cancer had mestastisised already and doctors were pretty much saying all they could do was take measures to try and keep the poor guy as 'comfortable' as possible.

He's lasted longer than anyone thought he would. I even saw him briefly a few months ago, up and about. He didn't look 'ill' per se, but he didn't look like he used to. For one thing, the inevitable weight loss from the big C was clearly upon him.

Anyway, just a few weeks ago (two? three?), he took a very sudden turn for the worse, poor guy. I don't know the details and I don't want to pry, but by the sounds of it, it seems that it's just a matter of time now...

My heart hurts so much just to think about it, about this horrible time Jean and her sons must be going through. Jean is such a strong, wonderful woman, but this has got to be the worst thing she's ever faced. I cannot think of anything sadder than losing her life's partner.

I have this overwhelming desire to do something for them -- I don't know what. In fact, I don't even know if I can do anything at all. I mean, it seems like Rick is doomed. And it's not like Jean and I are friends per se. I just have this huge amount of respect for her, and this almost unbearable sympathy, is all. Plus, both she and Rick helped me so much when I needed it, 5 years ago. And I haven't forgotten. I think I'd like to send them a basket of fruit or something, but I'm a moron when it comes to these things... what do you say in a situation like that? What do you even write in a card?

"Sorry you're dying. It's a horrible loss for the world."

Of course not, I know. But, in a nutshell, that's what I'm really-really feeling.

I don't even know why, but this has really, really been troubling me since I heard about Rick's turn for the worse. Like I said, it's not like we're close friends or anything. It's just... They're such nice, good, good, good people and they've been kind to me in the past and... My heart does hurt for them. I wish I was exagerating, but no: I am really troubled and saddened and wanting to do something and feeling like I can't. Because no matter what I do, it won't change a thing.

Life sucks.

Somewhere, somehow something must have gone horribly wrong.

I sit in the green, whispering light of fluorescent overheads, my head throbbing,
my eyes weak from the vibrating brightness of the screen.
I stretch my back – a cat with an interrupted spine.

I’m dry. Inside and out..
Boredom ages me.
Listlessness. Platitude.

I catch glimpses of myself in mirrors
and see no one that I know.
I catch glimpses of myself in my morning coffee
and I curl back into myself

Yesterday I wanted to crawl into your body
Have you around me, over me, in me
Comfort, a safe harbour
A moment of peace.

Today I live outside my body
And all that happens is a tall tale told by someone else
There’s no distinction
Myth and reality and pain
Blend into each other
No seams
No ruptures
No patches
No cracks

I see my past and in it I see a bright future of fulfilled dreams.
I see my present and I see nothing
How did I get here, anyway, and why?

Murderous impulses...

All of them. I can't stand being close to any human being today. It's probably mostly PMS-related, but the point is, if I had a gun, a couple of people would be dead right now.... Possibly starting with the Noisy, Smelly Pig-Man, whose bigotted, thoughtless, arrogant comments about everything non-mainstream, non-white-bread, non-ultra-right-wing grate on me every f*&*^ing day. Then, the manager who can't manage and is nothing but a bitter little man who panics about nothing and whose negativity permeates everything he touches.

I swear to god I can't stand this any longer. I keep being hopeful that the new boss will promptly realize what a tool she's got for a 'right hand' and that said tool can go off, be happy and successful and fulfilled somewhere that's AWAY... We'll see...

God... why do people like that even EXIST???

Thank god I hate violence and guns. Otherwise, I might be in jail by now.

Once a month is better than never...

I keep meaning to write a new entry, but I keep getting sidetracked, or feeling uninspired, or just plain lazy or all of the above. God know it's not due to lack of time. I seem to have nothing but time lately. I've had nothing to do at work for about two weeks now and it's driving me INSANE. I keep thinking that now that we have a new director (whom I know to be nice and bright) things will get a little more interesting for yours truly, but so far, nothing has changed. In all fairness, said new director has only been here four days and has been stuck in briefing after briefing, meeting after meeting, so she has barely had a chance to meet with us as a group, let alone individually. So... I'm still hopeful.

Other stuff that's pissing me off...

Last year tickets for the Flamenco Feria were $35 and us dancers got a comp each in lieu of pay -- which was wonderful and unexpected, especially for me (I'm not a strong enough dancer and the responsibility that comes with getting paid for dancing is a bit more than I can handle right now -- perhaps ever). This year's tickets are $45 and only 3 of all 6 dancers are getting comps -- which is ok, because they're the professional dancers and I really have no problem with that. Sure, it's a bit disappointing not to get a comp after having gotten one last year, but whatever. What's pissing me off is the fact that I asked about comps about four weeks ago, then asked again two weeks ago and no one had an answer for me until last Saturday -- two weeks before the Feria). So, I show up to my next class (last night) and I ask for one ticket to be held (I didn't reserve one before because I was waiting to hear about comps!) and it turns out the school is out of tickets! If I want one, I have to make it to the retail outlets that are selling them and hope to god that they aren't sold out yet. As things stands, I'm starting to doubt very much that Ian will be able to see me dance. And that sucks. I was sooo choked last night! Fine, don't give me a comp, what do I care, but, for the love of god, I'm IN the bloody show! I should be entitled to reserve at least one ticket for a friend!

So I'm choked and disappointed and... Well, just plain annoyed.

Almost felt like bowing out of the show, but of course I won't do it. I already said I'd be in it and I'm not going to back out now. Not that I'm terribly inspired about it now...

*sigh*