The Empress Online

Tuesday, February 28, 2006

Feeling icky

This exhaustion is not normal. I must be fighting something off -- god knows there's been enough sick people around me over the past few... weeks... I doubt it's an iron deficiency -- I was taking iron during my period and that's only been over for about a week.

The point is, I have been getting enough rest and whatnot, but I still feel bushed. I can't think properly, I'm sleepy all the time, my body hurts, my hands are unusually warm... I'm taking vitamins and oil of oregano and trying to rest, hoping for the best. I really don't want to get sick.

Monday, February 27, 2006

Bye-bye, Gitanilla, bye-bye...

Yesterday I waved bye-bye to the very first car I've ever owned. Literally. The gal who bought Gitanilla delayed a full 24 hours picking her up from Ian's driveway, although technically she already owned the car. So, by the time she came to pick her up, I was at Ian's and got to wave good-bye to my beloved old vehicle.

*sigh*

I know, I know... It's just a car... There's just something special about your very first car. Plus, we've had some good times together, Gitanilla and I.

Oh well. Part of me is glad I got to sell her relatively fast. Two weeks and a half on UsedVictoria.com, advertised for free, and here I am... Owning one car and one car only once more.

It's just the mushy part that feels all nostalgic. I'll get over it. In fact, I am halfway there. It wasjust kind of significant for me that I actually got to wave good-bye to her.

Bye, Gitanilla, bye-bye. You've been a good beast to me. Hope you've found a good home for your golden years....

Friday, February 24, 2006

I want my mommy!

Yesterday was a horribly busy day at work... I didn't even have two minutes to add a two-liner in here! In any case, another good case of 'careful what you wish for...' You see, I hadn't been too, too busy this week and yesterday I woke up feeling it'd be nice to be busy again... and *shazam!* Wish granted. =S Except it wasn't precisely 'nice'. Oh well... At least I got to do a bit of actual writing -- am getting to do quite a bit of that in this new office. That's alright... Unfortunately, it's not the creative, fun fun fun kind of writing. But it's something.

Hmmm... This wish thing has got me thinking... If I can wish myself into a whirlwind of workload, why can't I wish my parents into a hefty, hefty lottery win???

*sigh*

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

All's well! =)

Finally got an email from home -- all's well. The reason why I hadn't heard a peep from them is that their server was not working properly (like I suspected...)

I feel better now.

A bit concerned...

Or suffering from 'nostalgitis'... dunno which...

Point being that the last email I've had from my mum was almost a week ago; I replied a couple of days ago and I still haven't heard a peep from her. That's actually quite unusual -- she usually responds right away... So I'm starting to feel the absence, even starting to worry a little. It's probably a computer/internet-related thing. Their server might be down, or some idiotic spamer has bogged it down with large files or something. It wouldn't be the first time stuff like that hindered our correspondence.

Then again, there's the whole issue with my grandma... How, even though she's relatively healthy for her age (92), her disposition is beyond sour and sometimes borders on rude. Sometimes, she also gets really confused, and there's the whole progressive loss of hearing and sight... It breaks my heart to think about it, but there's nothing I can do to help. Not from two countries away, and certainly, not even if I lived in the same country. Aging is aging. Then there's her frustration at feeling trapped in her aging body and her disgust at having to be in a 'home' ... She lashes out against everyone and my poor mother has been having to put up with a lot of abuse lately.

So... I'm worried now that I haven't heard a thing from home in a few days...

I can only hope everything's ok.

I'll probably have to give them a call today after work, if I don't hear anything via email...

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

Gotta take the good with the not-so-good, I s'pose...

Can I ever get this thing right?

My lateral move was successful in the sense that I'm at last finding a little pleasure in what I need to do to pay my bills. The subject matter's pretty neat, my boss is cool, the people I deal with outside my office itself are super professional and, so far, virtually pain-free to deal with.

The not-so-good news is... some of my co-workers. They're alright, I guess, but two of them have this nasty bickering-in-'fun' habit that just keeps bringing back memories from highschool. Separate from each other, they're ok to deal with (at least one of them is), but when they're together, they really start grating on my nerves. It is like they ARE in freaking highschool! The teasing, the picking on others (not only on me, if that's what you're wondering) without reason, the neverending yakking... So much for professionalism and maturity. I've opted for ignoring them -- it works most of the times, but since their 'playful' exchanges are not exclusive to me, and we work in an 'open space' concept, well, I'm doomed to hearing their inane chattering until they thankfully get busy and stop.

It boggles my mind that people can bother to be this way. It boggled my mind in highschool, but I understood it was a maturity thing and that they'd eventually grow up. Obviously, I was mistaken. Some people never grow up. We're supposed to be PROFESSIONALS and these people are still stuck in locker-room 'humour'!

How incredibly frustrating.

If only I could have my old co-workers in THIS office!!!

*sigh*

Monday, February 20, 2006

The Novel, revisited

And so, I was finally able to bring myself to re-starting the revision of Draft #1 where I last left off... Part 2, Chapter 8. In a few hours, I reviewed 2 chapters and felt A LOT BETTER about myself than I've been feeling in the past few months. Sure, they still need work, but I CAN write. I do have at least a teensy bit of talent and I am not a hopeless case.

So now, it's on to the revision of Chapter 10...

And on and on, until I'm done and have a decent second draft. Then?

I don't know....

We'll see when I get there.

Friday, February 17, 2006

Boy, am I glad I'm not at my old office!

Without revealing too much about my workplace (wise thing to keep vague on an online forum... You see, I kinda need my job -- especially right now that I've entred the 'wonderful' [ugh!] world of Debt by buying a car), I've got to say: THANK GOD I MADE MY LATERAL MOVE WHEN I MADE IT! And I don't mean this only in the I-think-I-actually-kinda-like-my-job spirit that prompted my last entry... No no no... You see, I happen to know for a fact that things in the old office are borderline horrendous (borderline?) right now. In the meantime, I get to talk to professionals who are awfully good at what they do and don't presume to tell me how to do MY job...

Sure, I'm ready to explode with PMS (less P and more MS today, thankfully) and my lower back is KILLING me, but at least I'm not where I used to be only a month ago.

Thank god for small mercies...

(And this is much to say coming from an agnostic with strong pagan inclinations)

Thursday, February 16, 2006

Momentary weirdness

Maybe is just PMS talking as it reaches its peak, but today I actually had a moment of true enjoyment of what I have to do for a living! It's the first ever since I started my tenure within the public sector!

Am shocked and appalled.

Pleased, yes, but shocked and appalled.

Must be at least a sign that I did make the right decision when the opportunity for my lateral move came about.

*phew*

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

45 minutes to go...

Some days last but seconds. Some days never seem to end. Today belongs to the second category. Time has crawled second by second and I just can't wait until I'm home. Or, better still, at dance class tonight. That's the cool part of Wednesdays. Well, that and the fact that there's only 2 more days before the weekend with all its promise of sleeping in!

Kittens!!!

So... one of Lorraine's pregnant cats has given birth to 6 adorable, cute, furry, and healthy little kittens! They're all black like their mum, and born during the full moon of February 13...

I soooo wish I wasn't allergic (and allowed to have a pet where I currently live)! Kittens are just so adorable!!!

Busy times = sporadic entries

Sure, sheer laziness does have a bit to do with that, too... I mean, if I'm at work, well, things can get hairy and there's no way I can do anything but work-related activities -- which is perfectly fine. That's what I'm paid for. In fact, sometimes I wish I was busier, though I know that come the 'busy time' (summer, in the case of my new office and portfolio), I'll be wishing I'd kept my big mouth shut, as I won't have time to breathe anymore.

Now, if I'm home... well, lately I don't seem to be having much inclination to sit in front of a computer when that's what I do all freaking day long at work... And as much sense as this makes, it is also very unfortunate, because it is preventing me from writing... I need to come up with a method... Somehow I have to psyche myself not to dread the home keyboard after a day at the office one... A day. 8 hours. And of course, there's the little problem that all I want to do once my time becomes mine again, is sleep! =S

And then, weekends are busy, too, what with dance and Ian and whatnot... So... not much time/inclination/inspiration to blog anything... I'll try to beat all this busyness and laziness deal, find some discipline and get myself back into the creative fold!

Monday, February 13, 2006

PMS again...

Pathetic Melancholy Stage. Pissed-off, Manic and Sardonic. Pre-Mensrual Syndrome. Whatever.

How can you explain this to men? That once a month, five-to-seven days before riding the Red Tide, a perfectly stable, reasonable, wonderful woman may suddenly turn into a pathetic lump of weepiness or, alternatively, a veritable Bitch from Hell? I've tried doing the explaining: equating it with a bad alcohol trip or something... But I really don't know if it's enough for bearers of the 'Y' cromosome to really, really understand that PMS quite literally equals being on bad drugs. Bad drugs you cannot even quit because it's your own brain that's producing them.

I get mean, hypersensitive, needy, weepy, insecure, hostile... All at the same time! My reactions at the gut level are irrational and it's like my Real Me is trapped somewhere inside, watching but not always able to interfere before any damage is made. And by damage I mean hurting or freaking someone out.

And then there's the dwelling on stuff... the utter inability to move on, let by gones be by gones...

Someone once told me about progesterone therapy to control these horrendous cyclical mood-swings... Maybe I should seriously start doing some research... I mean, when it was just me, whatever, I dealt... But all of a sudden, here I am, part of 'couplehood'. And these monthly occurrences are not fair to Ian. Or to me, for that matter.

Friday, February 10, 2006

Requiem for a beloved old car

I saw Gitanilla yesterday, parked all by her lonesome on Ian's driveway. I even opened her to retrieve my gas points card and a map from the glove box. I've been enjoying Serendipity so much (despite the fact that I'm still a bit freaked out about the magnanimous debt I've acquired because of her), I hadn't really stopped to think about Gitanilla since that first night, when she was replaced by a newer, bright red car.

I know this is silly. I know Gitanilla is just a car. An innanimate object with no real personality, feelings or anything of the sort. For some reason I've always had a tendency to humanize (or 'animalize'?) innanimate objects. To the point that, even though I rationally know it's all fantasy, a part of me can't help but feel a bit sad to give up my very first car.

Sure, I'd driven my parents' cars as a teenager, but Gitanilla was the first vehicle on my name, bought with my own money. Sadly, she's gotten to the point that it'd be silly to spend another penny fixing her up -- let alone a hell of A LOT of pennies to have any body work done on her.

Alas, she had to go. She had to go this year. She's gone. Well, she's still sitting, un-plated and uninsured in Ian's driveway till the spring, when I will attempt to sell her to someone in search of a faithful beater.

Oh well... She did serve me well for almost 3 years, and the humidity issue didn't really begin to become a problem until last winter anyway. Plus, I'm currently employed... So the change is timely.

Gotta stop feeling bad for the damn car itself! As if it could really feel betrayed and abandoned! It has no actual feelings and I bloody well know it!

*sigh*

It'll pass. It's just seeing her parked there, all alone... We had so many good times together!

It's just a car it's just a car it's just a car....

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

And the new chariot's name is...

Serendipity.

Why?

Well, first of all, I've always liked the sound of the word... Secondly, the fact that I finished my day yesterday purchasing a new-to-me vehicle was, in fact, quite serendipitious (sp???)

You see, Ian found Serendipity for me, and it was a total fluke. He wasn't even actively looking, just thought he'd walk to the nearby Budget Sales lot to see if by any chance there were any new arrivals that screamed that they were made for me. To his own astonishment, there she was, my new pretty mare. The price was right, the financing reasonable, the car... well... it definitely is a car for me. It's a base model Hyundai Accent from last year. Ex-rental, but without obnoxious mileage.

And... did I mention that it's red???

A new car!!!

Well... new to me anyway... And I wouldn't have gone for it if:

a) There had been any little thing about it that hadn't seemed right AND right for me.
b) The payments/price had been too unrealistic for me -- as it is I hate being in debt, but this is definitely manageable -- so long as I remain employed, that is!

and, last but not least,

c) It was imperative to bid farewell to Gitanilla (my now-former car). She's served me well for two years andstill runs almost like a dream (especially for a 16-year-old car), but I just can't stand the rust problem and its inevitable consequences (increasingly HORRENDOUS humidity problems in the cabin -- which in turn are rendering her grosse due to the presence of -- eeww!!!-- mold).

So now I am in debt (reasonable at that, especially for an almost-new car that's still on its original warranty) and happily owning a car with a dry interior, a hatch defroster that works, and an actual CD player... And, did I mention the car happens to be red???

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

One more stupid thing Americans have said:

"Travel with same-sex married spouse. Although same-sex marriages are legal in Canada, they are not recognized in the United States. Attempting to enter as a same-sex married couple will result in refusal by local officials."

~ from the US Consulate website in Vancouver.

Cool things I've learned today

About Albino Dalmatians:
  • They actually have barely perceptible spots on their skins, under their fur.
  • Most of them are born deaf.

and the coolest fact yet:

  • They can be trained with hand signals!!!

and...

About the Kermode (or 'Spirit') Bear:

  • First of all, a Kermode bear is basically a black bear that happens to be, not black, but white. The cool thing is that this does NOT make it an albino. The unusual colour of the Kermode bear is a genetic fluke, nothing else. As I understand it, the annomaly happens when both of the bear's parents happen to have a recesive gene that they both pass on to the cub, resulting on the gene becoming dominant and the bear being born white.

Very cool info all around. =)

Monday, February 06, 2006

Cranky-pants

This hasn't necessarily been the best day ever and I've been growing increasingly cranky -- and I can't blame it on PMS this time around. Next week, maybe. This week might be pushing it.

I guess it's just never fun when things seem to be going in any direction but the one I want them to follow. And starting my day with a a*hole psychopath almost running me over on a side street? Not that helpful either.

Then, wrapping up the day with a 2 hour meeting about NOTHING! Boy, that's always fun, too! Now all I want is to go home and crawl under the covers, but I still have an ICA Board meeting to go to and (hopefully) to pay D a quick visit to get her to sign my passport application as my guarantor.

I can't get over how cumbersome the whole passport issue is in this country. Guarantors have to sign every damn thing, from the application form itself (which I already had to sign 3 times myself), to the back of my passport picture, to photocopies of my driver's licence and health care card.

Then, to stand god-knows-how-long in line (losing an entire lunch break and then some in the process), only so that my passport is ready in... 10 freaking business days.

It's quite ridiculous.

And I'm cranky.

G'bye.

It's what all the cool kids are doing...

So, here I am, half-embarrassed, half-anxious that while I've finally secured my own little spot in cyberspace, I don't seem to have anything brilliant to write in it... Then I take a look at other blogs and realize that, with a few exceptions, they are just as empty of brilliance as my own. And no one seems to be particularly self-conscious about it. A few noteworthy exceptions aside, everyone (even friggin' policitians, for crying out loud!)seems to just be happily recording their daily routine: 'So, I woke up at 6:30, ate, read the paper, went to work.'

And here I am, stressing out because I wish I had something interesting to write about, trying to figure out what this blog should be about!

Should I write about writing?

Should I focus more on flamenco?

Should I continue exploring Jungian theories and/or start analyzing movies and books and legends and folkloric tales that appear to follow the universal hero's journey?

'What, oh what, should I do with this blog?' I keep asking myself.

In the meantime you have people talking about their favourite brands of toothpaste and whether or not they had certain mishaps on their last drinking adventure...

Conclusion:

Blogging seems to be what all the cool kids are doing, and I'm not going to stress out about not having anything brilliant to say anymore. Some notes will be cool, great, wonderful, informative. Some (like this one, possibly) will be mundane little rants to keep myself entertained.

Thanks for listening.

Sunday, February 05, 2006

Another wedding

So, three close friends of mine have gotten themselves hitched in the last little while: first Angel back in September, then Blanca two weeks ago... I would have loved to be able to go to both weddings, but it was just not realistic for me to make to either... the fact that I'm two countries away from where the weddings took place, didn't really help.

Now another really, really close friend of mine is getting married, too: Janna. However, somehow Janna's wedding hasn't been so much of a shock to my system as Angel or Blanca's. I mean, Janna and Arild have been together for 14 years (!!!), one of which they've spent actually living together... So this marriage thing was kind of one of those inevitable things. Yet the thing that shook me the most about Blanca's marriage was just the mere fact that it was happening at all... I mean... she's my best and oldest friend -- we've known each other for 16 years, been best friends for 14. It feels so strange to think of her as married... And it was even worse not to be able to be there for her on the day of her wedding...

Oh well... I get a chance to redeem myself in Janna...

You see, Janna is also getting married in another country, but she's been planning it for so long and from the start made it clear I was to be her Maid of Honour, that it's pretty much a fait accompli that I'll be there.

And after talking to her the other night, I'm actually starting to get a bit excited about it! (Quite something, for someone who really doesn't like weddings all that much)

The thing with Janna is that she's so creative and out-of-the box, that I've always been sure her wedding is going to be quite interesting. And after talking to her recently, my suspicions have been confirmed.

So, all I have to do now is get my passport, get my time off approved, buy my plane ticket and... voila! Luckily Ian has finally agreed to go with me -- I hope he doesn't change his mind. It wouldn't be half as fun to go without him.

Friday, February 03, 2006

Damn sickies!

Sick people should stay home. Period. If they don't want to look after themselves, that's their prerrogative, of course. But the fact is, it's not fair for the rest of us to have to be practically OD-ing on vitamin C, Zinc, and Echinacea to keep other people's germs at bay. Now, of course, it's the bloody weekend and I'm starting to feel that awful tickle in my throat (that wasn't there this morning). I hope the oil of oregano will do its trick and save me once again from succumbing to other people's germs -- I really don't want to get sick. Especially now that the weekend's finally here, after a looong, loooong week! =S There should be a law to prevent sick people from coming into work at all! If they're so eager to be keeners and have so much to do, they should be able to do it from home. Hell, they should be forced to do it from home!

Not that I'm bitter. Just slightly pissed off.

Thursday, February 02, 2006

A Compás! An unofficial review of the Paco Peña Flamenco Dance Company performance, Farquar Auditorium, University of Victoria, British Columbia.

Let’s face it:

I’m never going to remember the program number-by-number (see below entry RE: my forgetting to bring a pen). Nonetheless, I’ll do my best to review the show as a whole and with as much impartiality as humanly possible.

8 PM. Enter Paco Peña and his company members currently touring with him:

Guitarists: Paco Arriaga and Rafael Montilla (in addition to Paco himself, naturally)
Singers: David Palomar and Simón Román
Percussionist (cajón): Nacho Lopez
Dancers: Angel Muñóz, Ramón Martínez and Alicia Márquez

I was half-pleased, half-disappointed to see him surrounded by performers entirely different from the company he brought to Victoria two years ago. Disappointed, because those performers were beyond amazing; pleased, because this promised to be an entirely unique and different show. Not that any of this should have really surprised me: Paco is reputed for keeping his shows fresh and innovative, bringing new talent to the table every time.

The first word that comes to mind in describing this particular show (A Compás!) is ‘unity’. Sure, unity is in itself one of the characteristics of a cuadro Flamenco. In a good show, guitarists, dancers, palmeros, cajón players and singers are so in sync with each other that their talents flow flawlessly together, creating an energetic, seamless composition of sound, rhythm and dance.

In this show, the principle of unity seemed to go beyond this basic foundation of the art form. The performers played with it, stretched it, practically redefined it. It was not only the unity of a traditional cuadro (or collection of them) that prevailed throughout the show, or of the handful of group choreographies executed flawlessly by the trio of dancers… It seemed to be all-encompassing, from one number to the next – whether they were instrumental, group choreographies or dance solos.

Paco’s performance was exquisite, as usual. His interpretation, the way he made his guitar sing were reminders of why he’s the world-renowned virtuoso he’s reputed to be. While his accompanying guitarists were very talented, and each had a chance to ‘show off’ it was clear why Paco’s the signature name of the compay.

As far as the dancing goes, I had almost forgotten what a treat it is to watch good male dancers! Angel and Ramón are not only talented flamenco professionals – they’re veritable athletes, with an impressive range of muscle control and unity (that word again...) with the music and compás. It wasn’t their quadruple pirouettes that made me drop my jaw so much as the fact that they did them in perfect compás and always landed with a smile in their face. And the fact that they both seemed to be having the time of their life… To think at first I was a bit disappointed there would only be one female dancer!

But, like in everything else, it’s a matter of quality, not quantity! Alicia is a graceful dancer, her style characterized by its elegance and control, instead of the almost fury, the rabia of some of the great flamenco bailaoras. One could even say she used footwork almost sparingly in her solos (in contrast to other dancers), but she didn’t need to use it any more than she did – she didn’t have anything to prove. Her remates, escobillas and breaks were flawless wherever she inserted them and the elegance and movement of her body spoke of her intimate knowledge of the rhythms. An interesting fact was that the batas de cola she wore for her soleá and her alegría weren’t as prominently used as batas de cola tend to be. Instead, their use provided only accents for the rest of the dances – which would probably account for the shorter-than-average length of the dresses. There was a bit of kicking and flicking the tail out of the way, but it was almost functional, almost matter-of-fact. The dress did not take over the choreography, but seamlessly added to its already intrinsic elegance.

Now, the singers… The singers!

Two years ago, the singing spotlight belonged to a young (25ish) woman with an amazingly powerful voice, and indisputable duende – talk about being one with the art form! Part of me was wishing she’d be back, but I can't say I missed her once this show got underway!

Two singers, David and Simón, very different from each other. David was short and short-haired, Simón, very gypsy-looking: dark, long-haired, stout. Their voices were both outstanding, and as different from each other as the singers themselves. David was particularly lyrical, while Simón had more of the true gitano style and seemed more involved in the jaleo (cheering) for the dancers -- however, his over-the-top enthusiasm made me wonder if he might actually be high on something....

The opposite of the spectrum was David. His voice was so at one with the music, percussion and dancing that at times I caught myself forgetting he was there… Then he’d break out in these acapella solos or hit these deep notes that left me wondering how could I have possibly forgotten he was there, singing. His unity (yep. Again) with the music and dance was nothing short of breathtaking, even more so than Simón’s.

All around, I left the theatre with an odd mixture of awe, helplessness and determination. Awe because of all the things I damn well know I myself will never be able to do as a dancer (quadruple pirouettes come to mind…); helplessness because I damn well know I myself will never be able to do certain things as a dancer, and because of the sudden, sharp awareness of how green I am, how painfully amateur; and determination because of all the work I’m willing to do to manage at least a fraction of what these dancers did last night.

It comes down to two options: either I apply myself and keep dancing, or I accept the inevitable and switch from Flamenco to basket-weaving…

Finally! The Paco Peña show!!!

The day: Wednesday, February 1, 2006.
The time: 7:40 PM

Flamenco buddy/good girl-friend D and I arrive at the university with [we think] lots of time to spare. To our utter surprise, the parking lot for the auditorium is full. Neither one of us has ever seen it packed to this extent before. After two fruitless drive-arounds, we’re forced to go to the next lot. I’m suddenly glad we only have one car between us – and suddenly concerned D’s going to get soaked on the walk to the theatre, as it’s been threatening rain all evening and she’s forgotten her umbrella. Luckily, the rain seems to opt for compassion for once and we’re able to make it to the auditorium virtually dry.

The lobby is quite busy, but not as busy as the fullness of the parking lot might have suggested. A handful of the usual faces, for sure – regular flamenco fans/students from around town, Flamenco de la Isla Society members and sympathizers, andformer students of Alma de España. I’m not sure what the capacity of the Farquar Auditorium is, but the handful of familiar faces could have only accounted for 10% of the seats… The completely sold-out seats. One can only wonder where all these sudden Flamenco enthusiasts hide the rest of the year…

At 8 o’clock sharp, Veronica Maguire, my Flamenco teacher and dancer extraordinaire, gets on stage to present and welcome the performers. She’s done within 3 minutes, exits and the company takes over the stage.

And... this is about when I start kicking myself for not thinking of bringing a pen to make notes. I already know I’m going to get sucked up into the performance, feel overwhelmed with music and rhythm and compás, and that there is no chance in hell I’m going to remember even a fraction of all the stuff I so keenly want to pay attention to – including the stealing of moves for my own piece, that I’m currently working on…

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

The Paco Pe~na concert is in...

3 hours and 30 minutes!!!

The Paco Pe~na concert is in...

5 hours and 4 minutes

The Paco Pe~na concert is in...

9 hours and 43 minutes

Alternate Realities

Sometimes I worry that not writing anything creative in a few months is driving Fiction out of my head and into my life -- or into my reactions to everyday life anyway.

While I'm not necessarily 'seeing things' and/or 'hearing voices' (always a good thing), I do tend to feel disconnected and almost alienated from some things that happen in my everyday life. For example, anything bad, unpleasant or unwelcome is instantly met with incredulity and denial. Anything. From news, to screw-ups, to a quarrel, to feeling sick or having a pain in my back or foot or knee. My reaction is not merely, 'oh, this sucks!', or even 'owwie'. No, no, no. My first reaction is 'I must be dreaming' 'This isn't happening' 'Let's just go back in time and fix this.'

I mean, I don't literally think I can actually magically change things, like re-writing a paragraph in a novel -- I'm not that crazy. It's just my first reaction. The immediate reaction to unpleasant stuff, right before the 'ok, let's deal with this' that comes right after and -- thankfully -- takes over.

It's almost like living two separate lives in two separate, alternate realities. One is the practical, day-to-day, mundane existence; the other is the one I can change by deleting chunks of text from my imaginary computer, creating and recreating situations until they feel right and the dialogue flows and...

Gods. I really need to get writing fiction again. It used to keep me somewhat sane. And the ideas are there -- tons of character/dialgue/story ideas lying dormant in my mind.

And what about The Novel? The draft on my desk? Of all the work it still needs, I already have a pretty good idea of things that have to be cut, expanded, destroyed, added... why can't I just find the discipline, motivation and strength to work on it again?

The Paco Pe~na concert is in...

11 hours and 19 minutes