The Big Down... Again...

I've been averting It for weeks, but it's here. Just needed the tiniest, flimsiest little excuse to take over. Now that I think of it, it's rather amazing that I managed to keep It at bay for so long after learning about my uncle's death.

Maybe I should just give in and get myself on Prozac. I've been resisting long enough.

Just what I needed

So... It's been nothing but upsetting news and upsetting everything since the last week of March: Uncle Adan's need for heart surgery, Uncle Mario's stroke, then his death just last week. Then the whole work thing -- insecurity, distraction, feeling like everyone is pissed off at me...

Now, just to cap these 'wonderful' times, last night I found out Ian's not going to my end-of-year dance show in June because he's got some old car show up-island that same weekend. And while I've never begrudged him his car addiction, or his activities, or his time with his buddies, and in the grand scheme of things he has mostly been there for me, I can't help but feel upset and frustrated at this unfortunate overlap.

That dance show is what I've been working towards since September and it's very important for me to have close people in the audience that day. Now, thanks to that stupid car show, either way I lose:

1) Ian doesn't go (which he won't): He'll miss something very important to me and I'll resent him on some level. Plus, it's not like he sees me dance every week... who knows when he'll see me dance?

2) Ian blows off his car thing to go see me dance: he'll resent me.

Either way, I lose.

I just wish I hadn't found out about this at this moment in time. It might seem like a minor thing, but right now it's just another thing.

I crave good news -- ANY good news will do.

What I really-really wish for?

That that stupid car show got moved to either the previous or the following weekend.

Good luck with that, I know.

I hate this.

Distracted and concerned

I'm more concerned than ever about work. I don't know if this is just paranoia, but this week I just can't help but feel that my boss isn't happy with me... And who could blame him, really? I've been distracted, uninspired and unmotivated -- sailing through work more than working. I mean, I AM getting things done, but I'm not thinking clearly, I keep forgetting stuff... I'm too distracted.

Today the grief counsellor said this is a 'normal' reaction to my uncle's untimely death and to my specific situation, being so far away and unable to grieve in a 'normal' way. There's also my concern about my mum's grief and, more importantly, about my grandma finding out about my uncle's death. You see, she's 92 and has already had a stroke. News of the death of her favourite child would kill her or worse. So, my mum and my other uncles are shielding her, telling white lies to keep the truth from her.

I'm going on with my life, really. I'm doing ok... But the being distracted and unmotivated... I just can't help that! I'm trying! Hell, I'm seeing a counsellor for the first time since one was forced on me in highschool!

It's only been ten days since my uncle died... I think it's unrealistic to expect that I'd be 'snapping out of it' by now. I'll deal, get resigned eventually... But it will take time.

I just wish I had paid more attention to him on my September visit to 'the old country'. I wish I had said more, saved more memories of him. But somehow I just took for granted that he'd be there for my next visit.

I never expected this.

How could I have?

He wasn't even 70 yet.

**SNIFF**

Uncle Mario passed away a week today.

It still breaks my heart to think of it, to think that I'm never going to see him again. When I went to Mexico last September, it was mostly to see my grandma... She's healthy for her age (92), but she's been on borrowed time for a decade now and I just wanted to make sure I told her all I wanted to... I saw my uncle Mario then, hung out with him... but I never thought that was the last time I was ever going to see him. Now for the life of me I cannot remember if I even took a moment to say I missed him and loved him -- and I'll never have the chance to do that again.

Life sucks.

It's so hard to be so far away from my family, too. In a way, it allows me to be in denial at moments, but it's also making it very hard to deal. Part of me wants to be stoic, but that's just hurting me more. I really don't know what I'm supposed to be feeling and in what order. I just know my dear uncle is dead and I'll never see him again, or hear his jokes or anything. And I didn't have a chance to say goodbye. Worse: I did, but I didn't see it, didn't grab it. And now it's gone forever.

My mum is doing ok, all things considered. She's desolate, as is my dad, who was always really good pals with Uncle Mario, but they're both strong and keeping each other strong. They both know that this is the best that could have happened to Uncle Mario, after the horribly sad condition he was in after his stroke. He's no longer in pain, or sad, or frustrated. He's no longer trapped. He's sleeping. Or somewhere out there, waiting to come back -- I don't know which.

As much as I appreciate them, every sympathy e-card squeezes a little life out of my heart. Writing to my mum yesterday was frankly painful, as was reading her response. We're slowly trying to get back to normal, but the loss lingers over our heads like cloudcover in the middle of winter.

Everything else seems so unimportant now.

Important situations and deep thoughts...

Well, it's been a long two-week silence on this forum. First, the inevitable prelude of crazyness that seems to accompany any plan to leave work/regular life stuff for a while... Then, well... the vacation itself... Then, the hardest part: coming back.

All, that, and not a word of all the other family crap that has been going on since the weekend of my last posting...

Where to begin?

The important stuff first, I guess:

In the same week (the same four or five days, actually) that I was gearing up for my getaway, my mum wrote me to let me know of two not-so-pleasant news about two of my uncles:

Situation #1: My oldest uncle, Adan, is a lawyer in Tijuana and the only economic support for my Gran aside from my mum and dad (who are not doing particularly well in the monetary front right now, either...). Just recently my mum told me she feels he is the only of her brothers (she's got 3) who she feels she can really count on... and then.... bam, he has a physical and it turns out he needs to get a pacemaker... Not the end of the world, of course, but I don't believe he had insurance and... well... the tension of the surgery and whatnot was not necessarily welcome news for my mum. As it turns out in the end, the surgery was a great success and my uncle was released from the hospital within two or three days... But as he waited for his surgery -- four days before it took place, in fact...

Situation #2: My favourite uncle, Mario (youngest of all siblings, my mum excepted) had a stroke. It affected his communication centres, so he cannot talk or write... And he's the one who used to be in radio, and communications and... He used to be optimistic to a fault and witty and funny and... Now he cannot even talk! My mum tries to be strong, but she's desolate. She's certainly relieved that my uncle Adan is fine now, but my uncle Mario's situation is just... not good. He has not improved AT ALL since the stroke, even though he was released from the hospital within less than a week. My mum is convinced the only way he'll recover is through therapy -- therapy he can't afford... Not he, himself, nor my cousin, nor his non-wife (don't really know what to call her, she's a sweety, but over the years no one's ever really known if she's only been his best friend, or if they're an actual couple). And certainly my folks are not in the financial position to help, either, although my mum wants to sell some of her fine jewellery to help some. I find that depressing. Hell, I find the whole thing depressing and unfair! My uncle Mario is a total sweetheart and I just hate to imagine him like he is right now, unable to speak or communicate in any intelligible way.

I feel so impotent.

In the meantime, my close friend Lorraine is going through some major financial crap, has the Landlord from Hell, can't find a job although she now has a Master's under her belt... And is consequently extremely depressed. I wish I could help her, but I can't.

And I?

I'm barely back from vacation and I'm trembling from lack of job security and, at the same time, I can't help but be a spoiled brat and be resentful and bitter at having to have this job in the first place, as it brings me little or no satisfaction whatsoever. Then I think of the situation at home, or even Lorraine's, and I have to stop and force myself to be thankful...

I just can't help but feel that my whole life is far, far away from where I dreamed it would be by the time I turned 30. And now I'm just two-and-a-half months short of that and... where am I? Still desperately clinging to a gone-by childhood, living in a basement suite fit for a student, and avoiding any kind commitment as much as I can... which includes my hatred of being in debt... Hey, every grown up has some kind of debt, right? Student loans, mortgage payments, car payments, all of the above and then some... And I have car payments now for the first time ever and that makes me so freaking uncomfortable that, if I could, I'd pay the damn thing of tomorrow. But I can't.

As for 'career', I have none. I have a job. And a lot of dreams I don't even seem to have the strength to pursue right now (my job sucks out too much energy)... My creativity is stifled. I feel trapped. And I HATE IT.

I wish I could just make everything right with the power of my mind: my uncles would be healthy, my dad would have tons of work to keep him happy and busy and at ease financially, my friends would all be happy and satisfied and so would I. I can dream up my perfect life, but when confronted with reality, everything crumbles. I crumble.

If I -- if WE -- cannot have what we wish for when what we wish for is not for the harm of anyone else, what is the point?

What's the point of living, of carrying on, if all you see and feel is struggle after struggle after struggle? And we have it 'easy' where we live. What about all the people dying every day in every corner of the world? Dying because of religious intolerance, or greed... Or disease... Or simply because they don't have anything to eat? Why do they continue to struggle? What's the point of humanity?

When I die I want to come back as a tree in a very remote area. Or a wolf, in an equally faraway place.

Who said the higher beings are humans? I think we got it all wrong. I think WE are the basest of the base. Even spiders are better than us (and god knows I HATE the little buggers). They don't kill each other for the sake of killing each other; they don't kill the planet, or poison the water or figure out new ways of hurting each other just because they want to be bigger and better and own more.

Maybe if I'm good enough in this lifetime I will in fact ascend and come back as a dolphin or a wolf... and be free...