On another note...

SAMe continues to work -- slowly, but surely. For a moment a couple of days ago it seemed I had kind of plateau-ed in my path to recovery, but I am starting to feel the positive effects of the aminoacid compound (I think that's what SAMe is) again. I wish it didn't have to take so long. I'm still not 100% by far, but I am still improving gradually. Things seem a bit clearer, a bit less dreary (yes, despite the infinite boredom that work is)... I feel less like the the greatest phony ever when I act happy/playful.

I'm still worried about a lot of things, especially the situation at home, what with my uncle's death (for which I'm still grieving), and my family's kind lie to my grandma (i.e. hiding my uncle's untimely demise from her)... It's all just so much stress and grief for my mum. She's tough and she's got my dad to see her through it all, but I'm still concerned.

And then, naturally, there's my grandma herself and the irreversible deterioration of her sight and hearing, of her cognitive faculties, her memory, her sense of time and reality.... It's all very sad. I'm glad I went to Mexico when I did -- at least I had a chance to see her and tell her how much I loved her (wish I had done the same with my uncle, but I never thought I would never have the chance to do it again -- not with him). And at least she was lucid enough to know me for who I was 98% of the time.

When I came home after that, I was sad because I thought that even if I got to see her again, she would most likely not be her anymore... Now, I after reading my mum's updates on her situation, on how much she misses my uncle (who she thinks is away working in Tijuana) and how that's furthering the deterioration of her mind... well, I'm starting to really-really believe I'll never get to see her again. And it breaks my heart because I love her so and she was always so wonderful to me, but she is 92 and has been on 'borrowed time' for over a decade now. And I did have the chance to say good-bye.

As of yesterday, I'm pretty much waiting to hear the news from mum, telling me my grandma is finally resting. It could happen tomorrow, this summer... Or next year. Or I might go first... Who knows? I just know that as of yesterday, I just feel like it's getting closer... How much longer can she survive without uncle Mario? Most importantly, how much longer can my family shield her from his death?

So, yeah. I'm concerned and sad with just cause.

And, yet, as far as the Big Bad, the actual depression, I definitely feel better.

You'll never guess: I'm at work and I'm...

So bored I could scream!!!

Imagine that!

*sigh*

Well, I tried

I tried to do something nice for a co-worker and organize a cake thing for his birthday -- or for the day after, in any case. Got a little money together, got someone to get a cake... But working with men makes these things just like pulling teeth. They're all, 'yeah, let's do something.' But when it comes to actually DOING it... well... It never gets done.

So goes the old saying, then, hey? "If you want something said, ask a man. If you want something done, ask a woman."

*sigh*

Whatever. This is the last time I try to do anything nice for anyone. It's really not worth the effort.

The Sad Truth

How can anyone recover from a major depressive episode when one has to come everyday to a stupid, pointless, frustrating, creativity/brain cell squishing (and did I mention stupid?) job???

Just over an hour in this place and I already feel my mood (which has been improving gradually) shifting (spiraling???) downwards again...

I hate this.

I hate needing the money.

I hate it.

Oh yeah...

I'm also ridiculously bored and underused at work.

But... what else is new?

Getting better

I'm still depressed, but definitely getting better. Quite frankly I don't know whether it has anything to do with the SAMe tablets my doctor recommended, or with the fact that this particular Big Bad is just running its course.

It's the first time in my life I'm taking anything for depression -- it's not an anti-depressant per se, though, which is a monumentally good thing, as I'm terrified of pharmaceuticals and quite frankly, I don't even believe in them. Anyway, SAMe is actually a naturally-occurring aminoacid (S-Adenosylmethionate??? S-Adenosylmethion-something, in any case) that encourages the production of serotonin, which is the brain chemical that seems to be lacking when depression hits. I don't know if it'll keep working, or how much longer I'll need to take it before regaining some focus and getting rid of all this horrendous melancholia, but I do feel better that I was a week and a half ago.

Like I told my doctor: it's like I'm me, Depressed, as oppossed to Depression Incarnate.

I can't wait until I feel better. I mean, really, really BETTER.

No.

I can't wait until I am WELL AGAIN.

Better schmetter.

I want to be WELL.

I'm so sad I can barely stand it

Not much more to say, really. It's beyond my grief for my uncle's passing; beyond my frustration with a job that I increasingly hate and resent its very insinuation at stealing even a moment of my life outside of it; beyond the fact that I no longer know who I can count on or not. Or if there's a future where someone can only see the present....

I get hungry but I don't feel like eating; I eat anyway, though I find it frankly pointless... I cry everyday, need to force myself out of bed, out the door -- even to go to dance class, let alone work. I hate myself for what my life has become, for having to prostitute my mind working for people that disgust me. I disgust myself, yet I feel trapped.

Worst of all: I think it's finally happened: I'm scaring him off.

I can't stand feeling this way.

I've even gone to the doctor and just last night started my first dose of SAMe -- a natural anti-depressant thingmagig, recommended by my doctor. I know it's not magic, but I just want it to work. Now. I want to stop feeling this way.

I don't know how much longer I can take this.

Vaguely annoying

There are three smokers in my office. They each take at least 3 to 5 smoke breaks a day -- some of them longer than others, some of them in tandem. No one gives a crap. In fact, normally, I wouldn't either, except a co-worker has gotten reprimanded twice for hanging out in my office... She's doing her work in a timely way, she never takes lunch breaks or coffee breaks (or smoke breaks, for that matter), but our local little micro-management guru finds it's not ok for her to take a handful of breaks a day to chat with me when neither of us is particularly busy!

Betcha if we took off the same amount of break time outside, with a lung-cancer-stick between our fingers, no one would give a crap, either.

And, did I mention that said micro-management guro is one of the smokers in this place?

Under normal circumstances, this would piss me off a hell of a lot more, but right now I don't even have the energy for that.

Paradox

If emptiness is the Big Nothing... how is it possible that if fills everything?

I wish I could go on leave. If there are stress leaves, are there also depression leaves? It somehow seems unfair that someone like me, who will never take a year off on maternity leave (because I've made sure that, physiologically, that's never going to happen) is not entitled to some other kind of leave -- like mental health leave...

I just so need to be away right now. You have no idea how hard it is just to pull myself out of bed every morning -- even on Saturdays.

This one's so bad I really am considering a trip to the doctor -- ME!

I just can't stand feeling this way any more.

Bored to death

Gawd. Work's just getting worse -- I'm sooo bored.

And, of course, I'm also effing depressed, which in turn equals lack of motivation/inspiration...

I want to go home and crawl into bed.

And I still have a long day ahead of me: another two hours here, then a board meeting... All I want to do is sleep.

I hate this.