California in just over a week

So... This time next week I'll be all packed and ready to wake up really early the following day to catch a plane to sunny (hopefully!) California.

Gotta say, I may be kind of looking forward to it, but I'm also a bit on the nervous side... You see, I really don't know what to expect. All I can do is hope we will indeed have a good time and that all will go well. It makes me a bit nervous, to be in someone else's territory, even though it's a good friend of mine we're talking about here... I mean, I love Janna to pieces, but we haven't seen each other in quite a while... plus, she's going to be busy and most likely stressed out... She's a bride, after all! And she'll be having a bunch of people from all over clamouring for her attention...

I just hope we ALL have a good time.

I'm a bit nervous, is all.

I'm not the cranky, crazy bitch from hell!

Contrary to what many of you out there might have thought about my previous posts about my pair of annoying co-workers, it turns out I was not being over-sensitive or just plain cranky: after a little friendly chat with yet another co-worker (the non-annoying type), I confirmed it's not only my personal perception that the other two are indeed way out of line and should have stayed in highschool where they obviously still belong.

"It boggles my mind," said my non-annoying co-worker, "I'm usually very mellow and pretty much pay little or no attention if anyone is picking on me. But once XX and XY get together, they just have the power to bring out the worst in me."

I laughed and asked if I could quote her...

You see, those are my thoughts precisely...

Sick and at home

I had to call in sick today -- at first I was feeling a bit guilty because:

a) I told my boss I had severe food poisoning, which is technically untrue... but what else could I tell my MALE boss? That I have debilitating menstural cramps that render me practically unable to move? Not likely. My new work environment is too male-laden to start with and the last thing I need is to be seen as a 'weak' female with 'woman's troubles'. And in any case, the part about throwing up and stuff is not technically untrue. I just have this huge guilt thing when it comes to being honest.

and

b) When I first decided to stay home, my cramps weren't as bad as they've ever been or anything... They were there and, more than anything, I was TERRIFIED they'd grow and catch me off guard at the office despite any amount of drugs I pumped into my system. It's happened before.

By now, of course, all my guilt's completely GONE, because by mid-morning, I did have HORRIBLE pain, more nausea and other tummy ickiness.

Pain is so tiring. I actually spent the bulk of the morning in bed, and when the drugs finally kicked in, I managed to drift off for a few minutes.

I feel better now. About everything. I may not be in as much pain as this morning (I'm on a lot more drugs, too), but it was DEFINITELY a wise decision to stay home, comfortable, warm. With tea and ibuprofen extra-strength and a heating pad right at arm's length. Sometimes a short walk in the cold air can be enough to aggravate the pain.

I'm glad I'm home. And given the amount of discomfort I was in last night and this morning's agony, I'm sure I'll be fine tonight, when it's happy dance time. And if I'm not. Well, I'll come back home.

The truth is, as glad as i am to have chosen home this morning, if I had been tortuously busy and felt desperately needed at work, I probably would have pumped myself full of drugs from the start (likely more than the recommended maximum dose), and I'd gone to the office. Being as it is, that yesterday I did absolutely NOTHING, that I'm so underused and underappreciated, I figured a day's absence would hardly be the end of anyone's world.

Good choice, given the pain I was in this morning!

I need a better job, you know? With equal pay, but that makes me feel like I'm in fact appreciated and that my talents are growing, instead of being buried, ignored and going virtually unused.

Yeah... The pay is good, but I just need it for now. Hopefully I can manage myself well enough (despite the purchase of Serendipity and the ensuing debt) and can find something better for me in every sense in the not-so-far off future.

But for now, on I stay.

I need the money.

And ultimately, if my immediate superiors don't see what they've got because they've never really bothered to find out, well, that's their loss. In the end, I still get paid. I'm bored to death practically every day, but I'm obviously not in this job for the oodles of fun and warm fuzzy feelings left by the work I do. I'm here to recover financially, pay for Serendipity and -- hopefully -- save enough money to go see my folks more often than every 6 years.

Another pointless day at the job

Underused. Wasted.

BORED.

Chilled, queasy and bloodless

All the tell-tale signs are here: the chills, the queasiness, the weirdness in my digestive tract. But, alas, no cramps since last night and no blood to speak of as of yet.

I know this is less than the perfect forum to post the haps and mishaps of my insides, but alas. Lately my mind seems to be so disconnected, alienated even, from everything on this plane of existence, that I seem to be clinging to the mundane, the most physical, touchable things: like my body, my skin, my cycle, the cracking of my toes and knees, the soreness between my teeth after last night's rather violent session with floss, the gentle, natural snapping of my vertebrae as I lie down flat on the floor and let my spine realign itself after another interminable, pointless day in front of the computer at work.

And when I say 'lately my mind's been disconnected' I mean... On and off for the past several months. Or years. I've lost track already.

Overall, my life is alright, I guess. Yet, somehow, it doesn't feel like my own.

This isn't new, either... I wonder if this sensation will ever go away...

As it is, I cling to the growling of my stomach, the budding pain in my abdomen, my frozen fingertips and toes and the dryness of my lips.

And what of The Unfathomable Lives of Clueless and Diva?

They'll be back. In due time.

California in Two Weeks

Time flies!

So Janna and Arild's wedding is in a week and four days... And Ian and I are travelling to sunny California in two weeks. Part of me is really looking forward to it, part of me is a bit nervous, not quite knowing what to expect.

I hope we all have a great time, that Janna is not too stressed out, and that everything goes smoothly.

Don't have much else to say today.

It's sunny out and I'm stuck in here, feeling heavy and cranky. On the verge of bleeding, but not quite. Ate a lot of parsley today -- hopefully that'll help coax the red tide to begin. It usually does.

Patience grown tissue-paper-thin

Ironically, I started out my day alright. Even was in a much better mood than I've been all week. Then I arrive to work and, within 10 minutes, my son-of-a-gun coworker (one of the ones that I've mentioned before, that reminds me of highschool bullying behaviour) started grating on my nerves. Found myself almost literally biting my tongue not to tell him to f*ck off. I really have no patience for that kind of unprofessional idiocy.

Next thing I know, I find myself strongly wishing him ill (not death or anything -- just general unpleasantness. Very negative unpleasantness). And I know I shouldn't do this at all! Negative energy just breeds more negativity, and the last thing I need is a 'spell' to backfire on me now. I just couldn't help myself. This is just so out of place and so effing annoying.

And this week is definitely not the right time to pull off that crap with me.

Hormones aside

I'm still right about the not being appreciated bit. I may not necessarily be handling it as reasonably as I normally would, but that doesn't preclude the fact that the under-appreciation is there.

It really, really sucks.

Broken promises tend to.

Super Bitch

No, it's not another future graphic novel prize-winner.

It's just the kind of mood I've been in for the past couple of days.

Feeling underappreciated right, left and centre isn't helping either.

Thanks for listening.

The Unfathomable Exchanges of Clueless and Diva

Scene V
Lights on Diva and Miss Pheat as they sit in the middle of the stage, playing pattycake.
Diva and Miss Pheat (in pattycake-like singsong):

There was a boy, a boy there was
who sat on a mat and gazed at the stars.
by came a girl, a girl came by
who sat by his side and held his hand.

Down came the rain, the rain came down.
The boy and the girl both ran away.
The girl's house was close,
so they hid in there
away from the rain, the cold and the hail.

Then on another cloud-striken day,
the girl sat alone
and gazed at the sky.
The boy came along and sat by her side
until the rain once again came

to spoil their pretty game.

The boy ran home,
but when the girl followed suit
there wasn't room in the
boy's house for her.

Out in the rain the girl stood and stood,
ringing the bell twelve times, twelve.
And when the boy finally opened the door
he didn't ask her in,
but handed her a coat.

Blackout

The Unfathomable Lives of Clueless and Diva

Scene II

Lights up on Miss Pheat as she runs and skips around excitedly. She keeps just to her usual side of the stage. Diva sits on the edge of the stage, looking at her alter ego, nonplused.

Miss Pheat: He loves me! He loves me! He loves me!

Diva: Well, of course he does, you ninny. That's never been the point. Never been in question. The point is… It's a question of… of… being considerate and selfless and…

As Diva speaks, Miss Pheat progressively slows down , until she collapses right in front of her.

Miss Pheat: Putting us ahead of everything and everyone else?

Diva: Don't be ridiculous.

Blackout

Scene III

Lights up on Clueless. He's in his garden, trimming his hedges and talking over the fence with an invisible, but ever present Mr. Pitterpatter.

Clueless: So the secret is in the angle of the shears, you say? (Pause, he makes a clean cut of a difficult branch, stares at it in wonder) Will you look at that! Thanks for that! (Pause) Whassat? Tonight? Sure, Diva and I will be delighted! (Pause) No, no. I’m sure she'll be fine with it. She's cool. Just one of the many reasons why I love her so very much!

Blackout

Scene IV

Lights up on Diva's bedroom (only one half of the stage. The rest is still dark). She's wearing a nice flirty dress and is busy doing her hair in the mirror. Miss Pheat lies on her stomach, on the bed, absent-mindedly flipping pages from a magazine.

Miss Pheat: So, no confirmed plans?

Diva: Well, no. But it's kind of a given. Tradition, if you will. Saturday nights are ours, unless we plan in advance for something else.

Miss Pheat: Right. Because he loves me. You. Us.

Diva: Right.

Miss Pheat: But we never confirmed the plan for tonight.

Diva: He would've told me if there was something else going on. He would have given me a heads up.

Miss Pheat: Because you should be his priority.

Diva: Well… Not more than reasonably expected. But, I mean… He loves me…

Miss Pheat: So he's got to be considerate.

Diva: And thoughtful

Miss Pheat: And thoughtful.

Lights up on the other half of the stage. Clueless is at home, dialing a number on the phone. On the other side, Diva's phone starts to ring. Diva answers; Miss Pheat abandons her magazine and hangs from Diva's every word, reacting to each bit of dialogue with exagerated emotion (i.e. enthusiasm, sadness, anger, etc…, depending on what is being said). Unless otherwise specified, Clueless can't hear anything Miss Pheat says.

Diva: Hello?

Clueless: Hello, my love. Are you ready?

Diva: Getting there

Clueless: Cool. By the way, we're going to a party.

Diva: Oh?

Clueless: Yeah, isn't that great? Mr. and Mrs Pitterpatter are having a dinner party with all their friends and they've invited us! Should be loads of fun!

Diva: Tonight?

Clueless: Yes, of course.

Long pause. Diva sits down heavily on her bed. A suddenly morose Miss Pheat lies her head on Diva's lap and starts to quietly sob.

Clueless: Diva?

Diva: I'm here.

Clueless: Everything ok?

Diva: Y-yeah… I just wasn't prepared for… I thought we were going to… I was kind of mentally prepared to have a quiet one… Just you and me, some wine, maybe a video…

Clueless: Oh.

Pause.

Clueless: I know it's kind of impromptu and whatnot, but… I just thought we'd have a blast!

Miss Pheat: No. You thought you'd have a blast.

Diva: Right.

Clueless: Not that we don't have a blast together, just you and I! The invite just came and I accepted in a whim. I mean, I know you like Mr. and Mrs. Pitterpatter…

Diva: I do.

Miss Pheat: Actually, I do.Just don't want to share my date with them, is all.

Diva: That's fine.

Miss Pheat: No, it isn't.

Diva: No, wait. It really isn't.

Clueless: Huh?

Diva: Well, it is. I just wish you'd given me some advance notice, instead of changing our plans just like that.

Clueless: I didn't think it'd be such a big deal!

Diva: It isn't. Listen, if you'd rather go to this thing, that's fine.

Miss Pheat: It really isn't.

Diva: We can get together any other time, I s'pose.

Clueless (disappointed, surprised): You're not coming?

Diva: Well, no. I really don't feel like hanging out with a lot of people…

Miss Pheat: ..that I don't really know that well...

Diva: …tonight.

Clueless: But I thought you'd be pleased…

Miss Pheat: No, you didn't.

Diva: Well, you know me. I can play the social part and all, but I need to psyche myself up for it sometimes…

Clueless: I guess I'm more of an impromptu party-er…

Diva: So, if it's all the same to you, I think I'd rather stay home tonight.

Miss Pheat: In fact, I'd rather you hadn't done this in the first place, or that you at least had had enough consideration to give me less than a 30-minute notice.

Clueless: It'd be awfully great to have you there. But I understand.

Miss Pheat: You understand. But you'll never choose me instead.

Diva: Whatever.

Clueless: You're not mad at me, are you?

Diva: No, no.

Miss Pheat: Just disappointed. And a little hurt. And, yeah, fine: a bit angry, too. But that's the least of the three emotions, so you're off the hook.

Diva: Have fun.

Clueless: You sure you're ok with this?

Diva: I'm perfectly capable of keeping myself entertained.

Clueless: I love you.

Miss Pheat: Not really, no. You don't.

Diva: I know you do.

Clueless: Talk later?

Diva: Sure.

Clueless: Bye.

Diva: Bye.

Clueless hangs up and goes about his business; Diva hangs up and remains sitting on her bed. Miss Pheats sobs loudly on her lap.

Diva: You're being silly.

Miss Pheat: He doesn't want to see me!

Diva: Stop it.

Miss Pheat: If he wanted to see me, he'd see me.

Diva: He just knows he can see me whenever.

Miss Pheat: And that's a good thing???

Diva: No. It isn't.

Blackout

Stay tuned for Scene V -- another gripping moment in the life of an emotional misfit and those who love her.

The Amazing Adventures of Clueless and Diva

Brilliant idea for a new comic book! (Or should I be very politically correct and call it 'graphic novel'?)

The title is a bit cliche-y, I know (some would say 'classic'). In fact, how about we go with

The Unfathomable Exploits (escapades? lives?) of Clueless and Diva

instead?

So...

Ladies and gentlemen, girls and boys, transgendereds and transexuals, puppies and kittens, birdies and mice...

I am proud to present to you the exciting web premier of

The Unfathomable Exploits of Clueless and Diva
~an exciting voyage through the minds and feats of a most unlikely pair

**Disclaimer: Given the limitations of a blog (and the fact that I cannot draw and even if I could, I don't have a scanner), this brilliant comi... graphic novel in-the-making will be introduced in play form. All materials have been copyrighted and are the sole property of the author.**

Cast of Characters:

Diva - Don't let her name fool you. She may crave attention like a Leo, but she's also cuddly and selfless like a Cancer
Miss Pheat - Diva's alter-ego. Diva and Miss Pheat must be played by different actresses, as they are often on stage at the same time. (Naturally, in the comic strip, this won't be a problem.) Clueless - Diva's man
Mr. and Mrs. Pitterpatter - an elderly couple, friends of Clueless's. They're actually not real people, but holographic projections (or larger-than-life banners) on a backdrop behind Clueless when/as indicated in stage directions.

Scene: Dark stage. Sudden spotlight on Miss Pheat.

Miss Pheat: Love me! Love me! Love me! Love me!

A second spotlight shines on Diva.

Diva: I'm right. I just know I am. I've analyzed the matter in every conceivable manner and there's no way around it: I am right!

Miss Pheat: Love me?

Diva: I'm being very rational about this. I like being rational about everything. I am a reasonable person.

Lights up on the other half of the stage. Clueless sits on the edge of a very deep, very plush sofa, holding on to a cup of coffee as if it kept him from falling off. He talks to Mr. and Mrs. Pitterpatter. The spotlights and actors on the dark side of the stage remain on. There is no interaction between him, Diva and Miss Pheat.

Clueless: You mean you were really there? You got to meet those people? Shake their hands?

Diva: He just hasn't seen me in so long...

Clueless: You did? Wow.

Diva: ... one would think he'd be just keen on seeing me. That's all.

Miss Pheat: He doesn't love me enough.

Clueless: Diva? Oh, don't worry about her. She's cool. She won't mind the change of plans.

Diva: Just exactly what am I supposed to say? Ultimately, it's his choice. He didn't blink an eye when he made it.

Clueless: More coffee? Sure, I'd love some.

He gets up, holding out his cup, and walks off stage. Lights down on his side of the stage.

Diva: He never even asked if I was ok with it. All I ask for is a little consideration.

Blackout.

Stay tuned for Scene II

Sad

Very.

Not crying-sad. More like dead-inside-sad.

I really couldn't get out of bed this morning. I was awake, but didn't want to be. Just wanted to stay inside, isolated. Safe. In the end (of course) I had to bite the bullet and get up, get dressed, come to work.

My disappointment is mounting and overwhelming.

I feel rejected when no actual rejection has yet taken place.

Or has it?

Silence speaks volumes.

Maybe the transmission is garbled by my current hormonal trapeze act (no net!), but the message I'm receiving since yesterday is that there are better things to do than being around me. That I'm not even worth a phonecall, or an email.

Or worse: that once again, I'm being taken for granted.

Dunno which one is worse. They both burn inside my chest, like a broken blister.

Found my ring!!!

Sooo very thankful -- I had, after all, left it home!!! I guess I kind of didn't miss it at first because I didn't wear it for two weeks (while it was being repaired)... Then when I looked at my hand this morning at work, I just flipped out. It wouldn't be the first time that I lost silver jewellery, you see...

Anyway, that bee's off my bonnet.

The other bee...

That one's ever present.

Obviously my company is not as needed as I wish it were. Obviously, it's not half as coveted as that of nice elderly people only known over the past handful of months.

Gawd, this is ridiculous and pathetic and I know it! I'm just tired of being upstaged by people who cannot even possibly be considered 'friends' (not by my standards of true friendship, anyway)

What's wrong with me?

Isn't my company something to be desired after almost a week of absence?

I don't want to go to work tomorrow. Want to stay home and cry.

Confirmed fears.

I MUST be PMSing. The tell-tale sign?

I went for a late lunch and wanted to pick up a homestyle salad from the little coffee shop closest to the office. When the gal at the counter told me they weren't doing salads anymore as 'lunch time' was long gone, I almost felt like crying.

How stupidly ridiculous and incredibly annoying!

=(

But, alas, a certain sign that my hormones are starting to wreak havoc in my brain yet again.

*sigh*

Maybe I should hide under the covers and hibernate until my period starts? It would probably be the best for everyone around me -- myself included.

And as for not feeling wanted...

Well... Sure, PMS may be making me blow things way out of proportion, but if I try and analyze the situation as cool-headedly as possible, I'm still left with an uncomfortable feeling of sadness in the bottom of my heart.

Under normal circumstances, it would be no problem that someone wants to do something instead of hanging out with me. In fact, yay them! It's wonderful to be close to people who have lives and aren't clingy or boring. But... given the fact that I haven't really been in the picture for almost a week, I kinda expected to be a priority.

Instead, I'm yet again upstaged by the nice and oh-so-interesting elderly neighbours.

And allow me to say they are nice and oh-so-interesting and, under normal circumstances, I'd be happy to spend an evening with them. As it is, I was kind of hoping for one-on-one reconnecting time.

I keep thinking of that novel, 'Rosemary's Baby', when Guy starts hanging out with the creepy elderly neighbours and leaving Rosemary on her own a lot. It's beyond flawed as a comparison, I know. These real-life neighbours may be elderly, but they're couldn't be further from 'creepy' and I'm pretty sure they aren't satanists trying to bring forth the antichrist. They are total sweethearts and I know it.

It' s just... I'm not even a jealous person, but I can't help but feel totally jealous of them! Is that pathetic or what? The bottomline is that ever since they entered the picture, I feel like I'm competing with them for attention. And I haven't been PMSing all the time.

And that (that whole last paragraph) is frankly depressing.

Icky start to the week

Not 'terrible'. Just that: icky.

Started out by arriving by my desk only to discover that my index-finger ring was missing. My mum gave me that ring years and years ago and I'd even just had it fixed. I have no idea how I lost it (and part of me is still in denial, hoping against hope that I actually left it at home -- but I'm pretty sure I had it on when I left the house). I'm pretty sure I put my fingerless gloves on in the parkade -- I remember because I dropped my pass and it was tricky to pick it up with my gloves on (the thumbs are fully covered and a tad big for me). I could have lost the ring then, but I would have felt it slipping off...

And once in the street, it took me like a quarter of a block to pop on the mitten part of my finger-less gloves (they're very cool, actually. Kind of like 'convertible mittens'), so in theory that would have made it almost impossible for me to lose my ring with them on. Still I searched and searched inside the mittens, inside my pockets -- I even retraced my steps all the way back to my car, but nothing.

Am v. sad.

And to top it off, I'm feeling less than wanted right now... Many days have gone by, and I'm told I have been missed... yet at the first chance to see me, to really-really see me, something else (non-prioritary) takes precedence.

*sigh*

Could this be PMS again??? Already???

Crap.

I guess calendar-wise, it's not impossible.

Crap. I hate feeling this way.

And I hate losing things that are dear to me.

Endless Friday in sight

After many a failed attempt [by my dentist's office] to get me in for my cleaning, today I'm finally scheduled to go in. So far I've never been one to dread the dentist's office, as I've been lucky enough not to have any major dental work done at all as of yet. At 29, that's probably not a bad track record. And I do enjoy the clean, wonderful feeling of a professional cleaning (once my gums stop bleeding/hurting, that is).

But dentist offices are freaking STUPID in this town: the earliest you can go in is 8:30, the latest, 4 o'clock. When most people work 8:30 - 4:30 or 9 - 5 every day, and a cleaning appointment takes at least one hour, one would think dental offices would have the good business sense of either opening earlier, or closing later. Freaking hair salons do, for crying out loud!!!

As it is, I had to ask permission to leave work an hour early. With distance and traffic factored in, that should barely give me enough time to get from work to the dentist's. At least that's what I hope. Then I have to boot it to the first of several make up dance classes (the classes I'll be missing when in California), then my regular class, then 1/3 of yet another make up class. Chances are I won't get home until after 9:30.

*sigh*

At least I'll get nice, clean teeth and a good workout from the mix.

And, hey... I get to sleep in tomorrow... YAAAAAAYYY!!!!!

I love sleeping. It's so peaceful and safe.

There's no keeping this Empress happy...

Wow. I've no idea when was my last entry! Things at work were beyond hectic until yesterday afternoon, when I finally had a chance to breathe. The irony is that when I was so busy, I was so stressed that I just wanted to go home and sleep... And now that I'm having a bit of a breather, I'm bored to tears!

So, there's no keeping this Empress happy...

All in all, I prefer the busyness -- it makes me feel like my brain is working. Plus, I don't feel useless and like I'm being paid to surf the net and feel incompetent.

Then again, it's nice to be able to do A LITTLE BIT of life stuff during the day, as work already eats up a good chunk of my life. And that one time I found myself actually ENJOYING work? It was in fact THAT one time and that one time only.

*sigh*

I keep reminding myself of my cheque, of how I need the money -- not only to pay for Serendipity, but to eventually travel.

I just wish I could come to a point in my life where I can work because I WANT to, not because I HAVE to!

Instead, I'm...

At Ian's. Not happily with Ian himself, mind you. That was the original plan, as I understood it, hence I'm here and not doing any of the above.

Nope. Ian's at his neighbour's on an impromptu visit even though he was the one who wanted to spend the evening with me.

Sweetie, don't take this the wrong way, but... do you not really see anything wrong with this picture???

Things I could be doing at home

1. Finishing off the flamenco dress that has been hanging in what appears to be a perennial almost-done state in my room.
2. Stretching and doing tummy crunches.
3. Working on my alegria
4. Working on The Novel.
5. Watching Buffy.
6. Taking a bubble bath.
7. Vacuuming.